Dear Me

Dear Future Me,

If you're reading this and still haven't won the lottery, please stop buying tickets. Also: that tattoo idea from 2025? Hard no. You're welcome.

— Past You (who still believes in you, somehow)

Dear Past Me,

That "genius" investment in crypto? Spoiler: ramen is now a luxury. Also, that haircut? Fire the barber. And maybe yourself.

— Your wiser (and balding) future self

Dear Me in 10 Years,

Please confirm Dorito tacos are still a thing. That's the only thing I'm holding out for.

— Hungry current you

Dear Past Me,

Remember when you thought joining that gym would make you a different person? Congratulations, you're now the same person with direct debits.

— Still you, just poorer

Dear Future Me,

If you're married to someone who pronounces "espresso" as "expresso", please leave instructions for divorce proceedings in the safe.

— Current Me, protecting us

Dear Past Me,

That email you sent at 2am explaining why you were right about everything? Delete the sent folder. Trust me.

— Future damage control

Dear Me Next Week,

Please stop telling people you're "starting Monday". We've been starting Monday since 2017.

— This week's disappointment

Dear Future Me,

If you've bought another "limited edition" anything, sell it immediately and buy therapy instead.

— Collector of regrets

Dear Past Me,

That person you thought was "the one"? They're now selling essential oils on Facebook. You dodged a pyramid.

— Grateful survivor

Dear Me at 40,

Please tell me you've stopped saying "I'm not old, I'm vintage". It's not working on anyone.

— Approaching vintage

Dear Future Me,

If you're still using the same password from 2008, change it before I come up there and do it myself.

— Security conscious you

Dear Past Me,

That "quick scroll" through ex's social media that lasted three hours? We both know you're not over it. Stop lying.

— Your therapist (me)

Dear Me Tomorrow,

Don't eat the leftover pizza for breakfast. We both know you will, but at least pretend to consider fruit.

— Delusional health enthusiast

Dear Future Me,

If you've started wearing socks with sandals, please burn this letter and seek immediate help.

— Fashion police (you)

Dear Past Me,

That argument you won on the internet? Nobody remembers except you. And you're still wrong.

— Victorious loser

Dear Me in Five Years,

Please have achieved something other than perfecting the art of online shopping while drunk.

— Current Amazon Prime victim

Dear Past Me,

Remember when you thought adulting would get easier? Cute.

— Adult who still can't adult

Dear Future Me,

If you're still checking your ex's LinkedIn "who's viewed your profile", stop. It's not professional development.

— Stalker in training

Dear Me Last Year,

That "temporary" solution you implemented? It's now permanent. Congratulations on your legacy.

— Future maintainer of your code

Dear Past Me,

That person who "ghosted" you? They didn't. You just never replied because you were overthinking the perfect response.

— Professional overthinker

Dear Future Me,

Please don't become one of those people who posts inspirational quotes over sunsets. We're better than that.

— Current cynic

Dear Me Next Month,

Stop buying planners. You'll never use them. Just accept chaos as your brand.

— Organized chaos manager

Dear Past Me,

That "I'll remember this" instead of writing it down? We don't remember. Write things down, you idiot.

— Memory like a sieve

Dear Future Me,

If you've started saying "back in my day" unironically, please schedule an immediate ego check.

— Not old yet

Dear Me Tomorrow Morning,

Don't hit snooze. We both know you'll hit it seven times and hate yourself for it.

— Well-rested liar

Dear Past Me,

That "just one more episode" that turned into finishing the season at 4am? Classic us.

— Sleep deprivation enthusiast

Dear Future Me,

Please have learned that "it's fine" is never actually fine. Address issues immediately.

— Professional procrastinator

Dear Me Right Now,

Stop reading this and go do the thing you've been avoiding. Yes, that one.

— Your conscience

Dear Past Me,

Thanks for all the bad decisions. They've made excellent stories. Keep up the good work.

— Storyteller extraordinaire

Dear Future Me,

If you're still apologising for taking up space, stop. You're allowed to exist loudly.

— Learning to roar

Dear Me in 2040,

Please tell me flying cars are real and that we own one. If not, at least confirm we've stopped wearing cargo shorts.

— Optimistic fashion victim